Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia

Guess what I just finished watching? It's nauseating. Every single character is annoying, except Tumnus who is creepy. Don't let that put you off though, the special effects are fantastic and you wouldn't want to live your whole life without seeing a beaver wearing armor and a hat. Also, the film is absolutely packed with old fashioned moral lessons and traditional values which are tediously, painfully spelled out. This is a childrens movie and kids don't go in for subtlety, you have to rub their nose in stuff before they get it. More mature viewers may wish to pause the movie, phone up the production company and scream at someone. ˝Enough already, I get what you are trying to say.˝ To paraphrase:

Santa is real and he gives children weapons, even in you're like six years old or don't want them, he'll see to it that you're armed. This is good news for young boys, who are generally very keen on weapons. Frustrated and belittled by a lack of agency in their lives, most would very much like some power to wave around, to be taken seriously and to execute summary judgment. What today's young boy really wants from Santa is a gun, not the lameass pair of pants He left last year.

Traitors MUST be killed. It's in the movie, it's in the Bible [Psalm 59:5], and I'm sure if you ask any good Republican he'll tell you it is so. After all, a traitor is someone who you think should be on your side but in fact has a different opinion to you. I shouldn't even be having to explain this: if someone has a different opinion it means they disagree with the good guys, so it's obvious they should be killed. Oh, and if you do ask a Republican and he doesn't corroborate this, he's a traitor. Kill him.

Ugly people are evil. That's how you know who the bad guys are. If God made someone ugly he must want them to suffer, and it is our duty to do what God wants. See, that's how God lets us know. You already know your side is in the right, I dont have to tell you you're one of the good guys. If someone looks way different to you, or acts differently, they must be one of the bad guys because they're not like you, the good guys. You can tell right away, they're either with us or they're with the terrorists.

We're all supposed to cheer when a woman gets mauled by a lion. Now that's entertainment!

Human sacrifice keeps the universe ticking over nicely. To be performed on the traditional stone table with a ceremonial blade. If you don't, the world ends. Because of magic. Burning stakes, firing squads, secret CIA prisons and the Texas judicial system are also acceptable settings for this very important work.

Some namby-pamby liberals might have a problem with all this, but don't pay them any notice. These are traditional values - our heritage - passed down from generation to generation since the time of Abraham. Sure, they're stupid, bloodthirsty ideas but they've been stupid ideas for a very long time, so we must not question them. If we abandoned the values and passions of our pious, warlike, witch-burning ancestors we might stop acting like them. It's our duty to our forebears, our family to fight for our family values. This is called conservativism, because it saves the past for the future and that's what makes the Republican Party great, they're a Conservative party. Go White Elephant!

OK, I'm bored with sarcasm now.

For the keen eyed, there's a super creepy subplot you might enjoy. Lucy - who's all of six or seven - gets lost and is wandering around alone by a lamp post. She meets a charismatic but strange man called Tumnus who insists on taking her back to his house. Once there he gives her some tea and she promptly loses consciousness. She's out for several hours, we don't know what happens in the interim but when she wakes up Tumnus is overcome with remorse for something he's done and is crying to himself saying ˝I'm a bad fawn, I'm a bad fawn˝. When the police find out about this they come and take Tumnus away. Tumnus says his time with Lucy was worth it. Later, Lucy's slender, pre-pubescent, pretty young brother meets a stranger in the same spot and gets given some candy. He goes to the strangers house after being promised more candy and winds up locked in a dungeon with Mr Tumnus. It's pretty bad.

It gets more disturbing at the end of the film, when Tumnus gets out of jail and is reunited with Lucy. They're all touchy feely and gazing into each others eyes all the time, when Lucy's around Tumnus has eyes for nobody else. It's a little uncomfortable to watch a grown male act this way with such a young girl. I guess they live happily ever after. I'm dying to make a 'come out of the closet' joke right now, I'll resist.

Make no mistake about it though, this is Christian propaganda, following C. S. Lewis's customary religious themes of heaven and hell. King Aslan the lion represents Jesus, showing his people the way, then being sacrificed because of a traitor, then coming back to life to lead the ˝good˝ people in the final battle against evil. Aslan raises all the dead at this battle, and afterwards the ˝good˝ people join the dead in his paradise. Very Book of Revelations. Lots of little Gospel references too, which the WIkipedia has more on.

The Inquisitors over at ChristanAnswers.net find that 'This story is beautiful and heartwarming... Nothing objectionable.' Most of the movie seems to be about fear and killing, but that's OK because of its good morals and positive message.

In short: I'm not sure which is worse, this movie's message or that it's meant for children. In its favor, it does have a dramatic battlefield scene involving an armed militia of beavers. Yes, beavers.