Hacking Dating Websites

An approach to giving yourself unfair advantages.

If you read junky news media you may have the unfortunate impression that to 'hack' computers means to commit crimes on the internet, a digital equivalent of breaking and entering. Hacking is the skillful, creative use, repurposing or modification of systems. I won't answer specific 'How' questions. To teach someone to hack combination locks you might describe to them a common flaw in their design, you wouldn't just give them the series of numbers that opens one particular lock.

Let's start by considering our goal and the realistic problems we must solve to attain it. Me, I'm a little cynical about dating websites: Yahoo Personals, Match.com, the like. When I was 22 I came to the UK with a suitcase, £500 and a relative's phone number. I didn't know anyone, my social life was a blank canvas, a fresh start. It was clear that the first flowers I wished to paint into the relationships landscape would be attractive, interesting, liberal young women. So there's the goal. I placed free profiles on several dating sites. I used the search function to find members in my area and send them what I thought were witty, original emails that showed off what a 'nice guy' I was - chivalrous, romantic, with a good sense of humor. I didn't just send out one email to lots of addresses, I read the profiles, and thought about these girls, and wrote in a way that would speak meaningfully to each of them. Needless to say, I didn't get a single response. Not even a rejection. Silence. I can't remember where half of those profiles are now, but if one of them ever causes a girl to contact me I'll be most surprised. Pick-my-earwax-in-disbelief type surprised.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results may be a definition of either stupidity or insanity. And that's what I did, and I'll wager that's what some of you have done as well. Because I was naive and under the ridiculous misapprehension that hot girls would be attracted to nice guys and that the 'dating experts' writing articles on MSN about '10 ways to make a winning profile' actually held some magic key to unlocking limitless opportunities with comely nymphs. Way to think inside the box.

But maybe you still dream of writing that winning profile, and getting an email from the one special girl who's read it, who you'll meet and fall in love with and have a happy fulfilling life with forever after. If you actually want to succeed that dream dies now. The odds on dating sites are massively stacked against the average single guy and using them as they are 'supposed' to be used is an exercise in futility and mental masturbation. They are merely systems in the world which may possibly be co-opted into serving a goal that is independent of them, for which they are not designed. They don't exist because some benevolent website owner wants you to get laid. They exist to make money. No one's rooting for you to get laid, not even your own mother. This is something that you must go out into the world alone and get.

Let's consider the life of a very attractive young woman. She has a lot of options, guys hit on her in Real Life all the time, maybe ten different guys a day (conservative estimate), every day, for years. She doesn't need to use the net to find guys, they pick up on her so much it's tiresome as far as she's concerned. It may then seem counterintuitive that she would go online to meet males, she already has her pick of them. She has a following of suitors, and admirers and a bunch of poor devils she's shoved into that dark, cold, horrible place called 'just friends'. If she has a profile online it's not so she can collect more supplicating 'nice guys' who want to buy her food and flowers and drinks until they end up in a pigeonhole in her glass display cabinet marked 'Lovable Losers Im Not Having Sex With'. I know I'm belaboring this point, it's important. That cute 18yo whose profile you're spanking it to is not desperate to hear from you or 99% of males. She's looking for someone who makes her feel a certain way, she doesn't have rational qualifiers that men can understand (rational disqualifiers, yes). The feeling she wants to experience, the reason she put the profile up, is vague and intangible and men will never understand. It's an emotion we don't get, describing it to us would be like trying to describe a beautiful sunset to someone blind from birth; we won't really understand because we won't ever experience it.

But that feeling's not what she's about to get. It's not unusual for a sexy hottie to over 100 responses per day to her profile. Most will be generic emails mass copy/pasted by guys who send out swarms of them every day, the content of which whill be mostly macho swagger - like you might expect from Justin Timberlake - and the occasional photoshopped picture of the sender's penis. This is not actually a bad strategy if you're just looking for sex, because if you send out enough thousands of pictures of your penis you'll eventually hit a game wench who likes macho swagger, and you won't waste a lot of time 'getting to know' a bunch of girls who aren't in it for a shag. This is because the penis shot makes them self select by not responding to you.

But this is a crude path, and while it may eventually get you laid it won't bring you a relationship with an attractive girl who's also interesting, stable, intelligent, creative, healthy and wonderful. Compared to beauty alone, women of quality are very rare (as Mystery points out). Also this is hardly hacking. We don't want to work hard, we want to give ourselves superpowers.

Hopefully now you have an idea what you must do. When an eligible hottie signs up and creates a profile to dating site X your email should be the first one that arrives in her inbox, or at least in the first three. Imagine she gets 100 responses (mostly our Justin Timberlake impersonators) in the first day. She'll probably read the first three. After 50 or so they'll all start to look the same, and she's not even going to bother opening your email if it's number 93, and replying to an existing profile is probably useless. If it's been up there three months at a rate of 100 per day there's 9000 competitors in the inbox. That's a lottery. Which is a pity, because some guy wrote two pages of heartfelt text to this girl and she's never going to read it.

If within ten days of joining the site she goes on a date with someone she met there then maybe one in 10x100=1000 emails to her achieved its purpose. A 99.9% failure rate.

Since the site has a hairy, sweaty horde of married men watching all the time for new profiles being consistently the first to make contact would require inhuman speed and 24/7 attention, so it's not a job for humans. Some sites offer feeds (RSS or otherwise) so use them. If there's not a feed, make one. Automate a search based on your criteria and location and have a script alert you when a new match turns up. For this I would use GreaseMonkey (easy to use, harder for site operators to spot) both to create the feed and send me a rapid breakdown on a cellphone. If you don't know how to make this, learn JavaScript, then get GreaseMonkey installed and read some AJAX docs to learn how you'd bring in a cellphone picture messaging service, or alternate protocol, there's oodles of things cellphones can do nowadays. You might even be able to run your feed on your phone.

Obviously, there's no need to reinvent the wheel, if the dating site you choose has feeds and email alerts, use them. Set your email address on the site as one that forwards to your phone. Only if the site does not have features you can create will you have an advantage over that hairy, sweaty horde I mentioned.

Right, so now you know the instant a girl signs up who's within certain parameters. But there isn't time to type a response. Spend an evening with the wikipedia and come up with some interesting things to say about interests your matches will commonly have. Get these from analysis of existing search results. Now get some chick crack. Chick crack is stuff like palmistry and horoscopes that girls go moggy for when it promises some deep and meaningful explanation of life in a way that relates more to emotional thinking than rational/logical thinking. Then write/find several funny sentences about the human experience that can be used interchangeably. These will be used to convey a measure of confidence so make them as haughty/arrogant as you would ever be in real life.

Finally, make a PHP script to tie these together. The script takes a few variables provided by your greasemonkey script, returns a response note. Your cellphone beeps, you glance at it, press a button, and the greasemonkey calls the PHP script which provides an email to reply with. For example, you beep 'yes' on your phone to a new profile with interests listed as 'spirituality', 'classic rock', 'synchronized weasel dunking'.

The PHP script returns:

Hello! You know Swami Vivekananda said that learning and wisdom are superfluities, the surface glitter merely, but it is the heart that is the seat of all power. I think that's bull because octopuses have like 16 hearts and no power at all. So who are you anyway? your profile says you're into [synchronized weasel dunking]. Does that mean you're one of those annoying chicks who talks on a cell phone the whole time?

Anyway, I always say that [life is too short to spend it thinking] and [we should experience as much as makes us grow].

So if you want to go on an adventure to feed donuts to the zoo cops sometime email me back. But only if you can think of a better adventure or are willing to dress up nice.

Dave

The first paragraph is spit out anytime 'spirituality' appears in a profile, the rest is randomized combinations of a few stock sentences. Arranged by the script in milliseconds and in her inbox seconds after that. Of course none of it makes any sense, but that doesn't matter. It's unusual, and therefore more likely to be remembered, it's provocative to a degree, so it may get a response. Any response is a good response, if she calls you an asshole she's at least thinking about you and you have a much better chance than the keyboard jockeys and bulk-mailers do. It also demonstrates a confident perspective and some standards on my part, in an unwillingness to put up with chicks who are on their phones the whole time (don’t you just HATE that, grrr).

The purpose of this is to open communications with the girl. Once she knows your name and has invested time and thought replying to you, even just a little, you are in the game and can escalate it from there, with hand typed, offbeat, flirty email. Since it's a new profile she's probably not used online dating before - so she doesn't have a lot of preconceptions stemming from bad experiences with it that would otherwise need to be overcome. More importantly she's not yet tired to the deluge of penis photographs so she may still be optimistic about her chances of getting that feeling she's after. So far so good.

Of course, the majority of girls, even hot girls, will not be the one you're looking for. She may seem like everything you want to a templated profile, but when you get to meeting her she's psycho/on drugs/wanting children/vapid/religious crazy/chav or otherwise not your ideal partner. So you'll have to spend time with a lot of hot girls (things will be hard on you) to find a keeper. So think about cheap date options, like a bag of donuts to feed to the security on a cheap day at the zoo. Be happy, most of the guys on the site will never have this much choice.

Setting this up may seem like a lot of work, but it's fun work and ultimately less effort for more result than you'll get by emailing photos of your Johnson around. Some folks will be uncomfortable with the automated emailing bit, spamming doesn't sit well. It'll help if you stop thinking of this as regular human social interaction. Using a dating site isn't like talking to someone in class or at a coffee shop. It's more like sperm competition in the uterus. Millions of little packets of information swimming out of males into the void with the hope of being the first that reaches a female counterpart to bring two complimentary sets of information together. Profiles not chromosomes, relationships instead of babies. The comparison can be taken a long way. If you only have a few bad sperm you will lose, life has no mercy or compassion for slow sperm. They fail silently and are not forgotten because they were never even noticed.

That's not to say I'm suggesting this is the only way to gain leverage on computer dating systems. With imagination there are infinite possibilities. One reason your profile doesn't work so well for you is that it is a generic, defined thing. It is a dating profile, like an egg is an egg. Up on match.com or wherever it is surrounded by millions of other similar profiles all clamoring to exert themselves as unique and superior to the rest. If you're in an egg factory full of thousands of eggs you're unlikely to notice one in particular over all the rest, unless there's something obviously wrong with it. One egg is much like another. If, however, you step into an elevator and there's an egg taped to the button panel you'll notice. And wonder about it. And you might remember that one egg for quite some time.

So move your profile off the dating site. Google up secretarial colleges, modeling agencies, universities, etc in your area. Is there a nightclub in your area which always has a line outside it that goes right around the block? Print out your profile on paper, find a derelict spot on the block and glue it up with poster paste. Underneath stick a bunch of tear-off strips with your email and profile username. Hundreds of hot young girls are going to be stood around bored waiting to get into the club and not expecting to see a dating profile. Not into bouncy clubber chicks with ADD? Me either. Many colleges, shopping malls, etc often have notice boards for random stuff. Sometimes there's one that never gets checked and has a bunch of out-of-date fliers stuck up. Rave posters from last August, yellowed want-ads, etc. Take the out-of-date stuff down and put up five printouts of your profile. It's easy, cheap, and more effective than it would be gathering dust on the dating site.

Hopefully this article has started a little lateral thinking for some of you who are frustrated with dating sites. The ideas here are not necessarily what will bring you to your goal; it's the way of analyzing systems that creates such ideas which matters. I wish you luck. I won't be joining you on this quest as I'm smitten right now, but I'll be very interested to hear your results and ideas if you feel like adding them in the comments. Oh, and may the force be with you.

Trackbacks: I'm uninteresting and objectionable. Whee!

Created 2006-09-13 03:07:55 by 5344 and filed under hacking

Comments

sorrydude writes...

Wow,

do guys really have to go through all that just to get laid or find a girlfriend ?

That`s sad.

posted: 2006-09-29 04:27:46

yakubu writes...

ihope u don`t mind been ur pal?

posted: 2006-10-01 23:41:58

Kristy writes...

Hey, you didn`t tell me you were `smitten` right now! Wonder if it is who I think it is...

posted: 2006-09-14 15:30:06

similarily smitten writes...

A well-written, not to mention, thoroughly thought-out post. *Kudos*

One xkcd.com fan to another, couldn`t resist the urge to paste this link to a content-related installment at one of the funkiest webcomics there is: : http://xkcd.com/c120.html
:-)

posted: 2006-09-18 03:59:37

chimzy writes...

Online dating is for losers. All I do is walk up to this fine chick and yarn her the koko and she will follow me like fly.

posted: 2007-01-10 23:00:04

Chris writes...

Wow this is simply amazing. LOL omg I thought I was so smart becasue I was sending generic copied messages to girls. But wow, im not up to java or php, but I know I will use some of this some day. I really love the idea of going onto wikipedia to find out more useless stuff on a topic. Great great work.

posted: 2006-12-08 08:18:16

swoogy writes...

so like.. why not just go to a bar and buy a chick a drink? (like the rest of us)

posted: 2007-05-16 12:39:57

Dullu writes...

Well, a wonderful analysis of female psychology and appears literally true. It's more true because "seeking" hunger is more prominent with males than females, hence the skewed ratio.

posted: 2007-10-4 07:40:43

joe writes...

hey guys i wanna know if any 1 knows how to hack in the adult finder or fling website like not pay everymonth plz help

posted: 2007-12-7 21:49:19

Dan James writes...

Personally, I'd rather have a wank. It's more productive and less effort.
Why would I want to feed female egos any further? That get enough hype and sycophancy from other guys . . .

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posted: 2010-12-11 21:18:23

Hidden Cameras writes...

may she seem like everything you want to a templated profile? but when you get to meeting her she's psycho/on drugs/wanting children/vapid/religious crazy/chav or otherwise not your ideal partner. So you'll have to spend time with a lot of hot girls (things will be hard on you) to find a keeper.

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posted: 2011-01-7 02:54:40

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posted: 2011-01-14 20:12:18

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posted: 2011-01-21 16:30:24

Tekken Tag writes...

one's rooting for you to get laid, not even your own mother. This is something that you must go out into the world alone and get.
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posted: 2011-01-22 14:41:36

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posted: 2011-01-22 14:43:14

taggants writes...

There are lots of ways where you can meet other people, like you can join to a party, go to clubs or bars, you can hang out in the mall and if there's a fine chick then you can ask for her name and number politely or better yet you can even join in speed dating. Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is that, engaging yourself in a dating site is probably the least thing that you can do.

taggants

posted: 2011-01-28 08:16:31